Smoke on the Water is the third episode of the fifth series of Still Game.

Series Name
Season 5, Episode 3
Air date 3 July 2006
Written by Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill
Directed by Michael Hines
Episode Guide
Fresh Lick
Hard Nuts


It is Victor's 75th birthday, and Jack wants to make it a special celebration for him. He normally buys Victor a bottle of whiskey, but he wants something different for a change. After consultation with his friends, he decides on a red letter day in Craiglang, where they would sail along the River Kelvin in a dinghy and Isa would have a picnic ready for them. Isa has been sworn to secrecy, but she understand's that there is a code to being a gossip and Birthday's are sacred. Boaby is sceptical, as he believes the River Kelvin is dirty and a dangerous thing for pensioners like Jack and Victor to go on, especially since the river is full of rats who urinate in the river. It turns out that Navid's wife, Meena, has her birthday the day before Victor's. Navid pretends to have forgotten, so Meena calls him an "arsehole". However, Navid has got Meena a present, so the joke is on her.

On the morning of his birthday, Victor catches Chris the Postie trying to shirk with his duties. Chris found it easier to put in a card saying that the occupant wasn't in instead of actually delievering the parcels. Victor makes Chris bring his parcel to the Clansman, or he will report Chris to his supervisor. It turns out that Victor's parcel is a present from his son in South Africa. Due to transit, it is a broken bottle of malt and a whiskey flavoured scarf. Jack surprises Victor with the events, although it is more of a shock than a surprise. It turns out that the dinghy has been supplied by Shug. Winston comes with Jack and Victor on the ride. They are unwilling at first, but Winston threatens to take back his gift for Victor, so they allow him in.

At first, their journey is wonderful and they see they the lovely sights of the Kelvinside. However, things start to go wrong when they are unable to pull in for the picnic. Victor sets off the flare, as he feels it's an emergency not being fed. They soon find themselves on the wrong side of the Kelvin. They are attacked by kids throwing stones at them. Later, they are able to pull into to the side. Victor nearly starts a fight with Jack, but Winston breaks it up as he has found a carry out bag full of cans of beer and snacks. They soon settle down and eat and drink. Victor apologises for having a go at Jack. They laugh and compare the experience to the movie 'Deliverance' where Victor would be Burt Reynolds, Jack would be the "wee fat one who gets raped" and Winston would be the boy who plays the guitar. Unfortunatley, the carry out belonged to a gang of neds, who threaten the trio. The three men escape, taunting the neds.

Later, they are sailing along and look for a place to pull in. They decide to tell Shug that the dinghy burst and sank, as they don't wish to carry it for three miles. The neds have caught up with them, and they drop a television onto the dinghy from a bridge. Knowing that they are going to sink, they desperately pull in and try to board a docked ship. The neds come in and are about to beat up the three men, but they discover the ship is full of crates of beer.

They all get together and have good fun drinking the beer. The leader of the neds wishes Victor a happy birthday, and says that his grandad is 75 next week. The three men tell the young man to buy his grandfather whiskey for his birthday present.

After the credits roll, Winston wakes up on the ship with a hangover. To his horror, he discovers he is out at sea.